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Jul 28, 2023 2131 Father Joseph Gill, USA
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Q&A: When Does Speaking About Someone Become Gossip?

Q – My family is having a problem with one of my siblings, and I often have to speak about her to my other siblings. Is it venting? Is it gossip? Is it okay, or sinful?

A – St. James recognizes the challenges of controlling the tongue. In the third chapter of his Epistle, he writes, “When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal…Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider how a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. All kinds of animals have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?” (James 3:3-12).

American radio host Bernard Meltzer once laid down three rules for whether or not we should say something about another. Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind?

These are three great questions to ask! When speaking about your sister, is it necessary that your other family members know about her faults and failings? Are you relaying the objective truth or exaggerating her weak points? Do you assume the best of her intentions, or do you impugn negative motives to her actions?

Once, a woman went to St. Philip Neri and confessed the sin of gossip. As a penance, Fr. Neri assigned her to take a pillow filled with down feathers and rip it open on top of a tall tower. The woman thought it a strange penance, but she did so and watched the feathers fly to the four winds. Returning to the saint, she asked him what that meant. He replied, “Now, go and collect all of those feathers.” She replied that it was impossible. He answered, “So it is with the words we say. We can never take them back because they have been sent out on the winds to places we will never understand.”

Now, there are times when we do need to share negative things about others. I teach in a Catholic school, and at times I need to share something about a student’s behavior with a colleague. This always gives me a pause—am I doing it for the right reasons? Do I truly want what’s best for this student? Many times, I find myself enjoying telling stories about students that reflect them in a bad light, and when I get enjoyment out of another person’s misfortunes or bad behavior, then I have definitely crossed the line into sin.

There are three types of sins that injure another person’s reputation. There is rash judgment, which means we too quickly assume the worst about a person’s behavior or intention. Second, there is calumny, which means telling negative lies about another. Finally, detraction is disclosing another person’s faults or failings without grave reason. So, in the case of your sister, is it detraction to share her faults? Only without a grave reason. You could ask yourself: if you do not share her faults, will she or another person be harmed? If not–and it is solely for “venting”–then we have indeed indulged in the sin of detraction. But if it is truly necessary for the good of the family, then it is legitimate to speak about her behind her back.

To combat sins of the tongue, I recommend three things. First, spread good things about your sister! Everyone has redeeming qualities that we can speak about. Second, pray the Divine Praises, a beautiful prayer that glorifies and praises God, as reparation for the way we have used our tongue negatively. Finally, consider how we would like to be spoken of. Nobody would like to have their faults on parade. So with compassion, we treat others well in our words, in the hopes that we would receive the same kindness!

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Father Joseph Gill

Father Joseph Gill is a high school chaplain and serves in parish ministry. He is a graduate from Franciscan University of Steubenville and Mount St. Mary’s Seminary. Father Gill has published several albums of Christian rock music (available on iTunes). His debut novel, “Days of Grace” is available on amazon.com.

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