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Apr 01, 2017 2117 Kevin Lowry
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Verbal Jabs, Sarcastic Comments, Accusations

From time to time, adjustments are needed in the way we communicate with others. I recall a phase a few years back (when all eight of our kids lived at home) when there was a lot of bickering going on among all of us. Verbal jabs, sarcastic comments and accusations had somehow become routine forms of communication.

But wait, my wife and I thought. We are a family. We love one another. We can do better than this. The solution? Every night after dinner we began to go around the table and each of us would identify at least one thing—relating to another family member—for which we were grateful that day. It could be something someone had done or a character quality we appreciated.

“I’m grateful to Mom for making my favorite dinner tonight.”

“I’m grateful to Christian for being patient with me, and helping me with my homework today.”

“I’m grateful for T.J. having such a terrific sense of humor.” And on it went.

Although it felt a bit awkward at first, we all improved quickly, especially the younger kids who proved to be gratitude rock stars. Over the course of time, this simple exercise actually helped the culture of our family become more positive, humble and mutually supportive.

I was reminded of this exercise the other day. I have been busy promoting my new book, “How God Hauled Me Kicking and Screaming Into the Catholic Church.” In one social media group, a woman posted a rather nasty comment and it struck me that our broader culture is in the same place my family was as we struggled through our negative phase—verbal jabs, sarcastic comments and accusations have somehow become routine forms of communication.

So what is the solution? Obviously, we all cannot just go around the table after dinner. Perhaps a few ground rules could be useful for those of us who would like to see a basic sense of human dignity restored within our culture. I recognize that not everyone strives for that goal, but thankfully many people do. For those who would like to be part of the solution, I humbly offer the following thoughts – recognizing this is far from a comprehensive solution:

  1. Lead with respect. If someone else is a jerk, it is usually reflective of things going on in his own life—and there is a lot of pain in this world that we do not see at first glance. Giving others the benefit of the doubt up front, rather than responding indignantly, can help us see past the various masks people wear and lead to a more meaningful dialogue.
  2. Remain humble. This does not come naturally to most of us, myself included, but humility is a key to authenticity and building real relationships with others. It causes us to focus on others more and ourselves less and we could use a bit of that these days.
  3. Resist manipulation. We have all seen how hyper sensitivity and outrage have become blunt instruments in the hands of those who seek to manipulate others. This desensitizes us to things we really should be outraged about and makes for a lot of angry people. Whatever happened to the manipulation-free “I disagree with your beliefs, but will defend to the death your right to believe them” way of thinking?
  4. Be grateful. Have you ever noticed that when we focus on what we do not have, it breeds misery and, conversely, appreciating what we do have makes us happy? There are a lot of good people in this world. Personally, I consider my family and friends to be an embarrassment of riches. Maybe we can begin reflecting this by being intentionally grateful toward another person at least once a day.
  5. As I describe (through many deeply humiliating stories) in my book, a lot of people put up with me during my teen years to the point of heroic virtue. Can we invest in others, be willing to endure some pain along the way and hold out hope for all of us, even those who are the most difficult?

You do not need to go far to find astonishing comments in comboxes and media of all sorts. If we want things to improve, we need to begin with the only people we can change—ourselves. I actually attempted to follow my own advice with “How God Hauled Me Kicking and Screaming Into the Catholic Church,” which was written in a manner intended to be respectful to non-Catholics, including many family members who, happily, have enthusiastically responded.

I am far from perfect, and so is this list, but perhaps we can learn to avoid routinely communicating via verbal jabs, sarcasm and accusations. Maybe we can do better. I invite you to join me in trying.

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Kevin Lowry

Kevin Lowry serves on the Board of Directors for Our Sunday Visitor and Saint Gabriel Catholic Radio and is a past president for the Columbus chapter of Legatus. As a convert to Catholicism and the son of a former Presbyterian minister, his latest book, ‘How God Hauled Me Kicking and Screaming Into the Catholic Church,’ inspires interest among those who regard the Catholic Church with a sense of suspicion or even scorn. He lives with his wife and eight children in Columbus, Ohio.

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