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If chivalry is not already dead, then at the very least, it seems to
have passed its expiration date. Gone are the days of the chivalrous
knight in his shining armor—a knight who would slay any number of
dragons to rescue a beautiful princess. A knight who would pull out a
throne for the princess to sit upon during the following banquet, pay
the full bill for said banquet and then, at the end of the evening, walk
said princess back to the portcullis of her own castle.
For many men, their reluctance to display chivalrous behaviour
is linked to a concern that women now view such acts as
embarrassing or even insulting. The notion that chivalry is sexist is
a belief subscribed to in many branches of feminism. Chivalry, it is
claimed, relies on a gendered premise that women are weak and
need protection. Thus, while chivalry might be benevolent (at best),
ultimately it just puts down women.
In part, I think this problem with chivalry stems from a
reluctance to actively recognize the differences that exist between
the sexes. It is argued that chivalry is unnecessary—because if
men and women are equal then there should be no substantial
difference between the way men behave toward women and the
way women behave toward men. This kind of thinking confuses
equality with sameness. In reality, while men and women are
certainly equal in dignity, we are not the same.
One of the most obvious differences is physical strength. A
quick glance at a Belarussian female power lifter would reveal that
strength is not the exclusive domain of men, but even so this trait
has always been associated with masculinity. Strength has been an
important aspect of chivalry since the middle ages, when knights
would swear an oath to defend to their uttermost the weak, the
orphan, the widow and the oppressed. Chivalry was fundamentally
about men using their strength to serve and protect others.
To be sure, this argument would be a lot easier to make if
I was a sixth-century knight driving off hordes of invaders who
sought to burn and pillage. These days, there are very few women
out there who actually require a man’s physical strength to get
a door open or pull out a chair. But there is a deeper symbolic
significance to these acts.
At this point, I want to share a story from the life of Samuel
Proctor, a 20th-century Christian minister. One day, Proctor was
in an elevator and a young woman entered, so he tipped his hat
to her. She was offended and responded by asking, “What is
that supposed to mean?” to which Proctor replied, “Madame, by
tipping my hat I was telling you several things: that I would not
harm you in any way; that if someone came into this elevator and
threatened you, I would defend you; that if you fell ill, I would
tend to you and if necessary carry you to safety. I was telling
you that even though I am a man and physically stronger than
you, I will treat you with both respect and solicitude. But frankly,
Madame, it would have taken too much time to tell you all of that
so, instead, I just tipped my hat.
Ultimately, chivalry is not about performing certain courteous
acts; it is about a mindset of respect. A man should not perform
chivalrous acts for women because he thinks “they can’t do it
themselves.” He should perform such acts out of love and service.
This point is particularly important as we seek to address our
culture’s huge problem with the objectification of women. Chivalry
places a very special emphasis on the way men treat their female
counterparts. The chivalrous man is called to uphold the value of
women as human persons, not as objects for his pleasure.
To all of my female readers, I think that one of the saddest
aspects of the disrespectful behavior some men exhibit toward
the opposite sex is that far too many women tolerate it. In a
society where this tolerance exists, alongside a widespread male
perception that chivalrous acts are offensive, it is not surprising
that the way men relate to women has degenerated.
However, a woman who sets her standards high will be far
more likely to attract men who are willing to meet them. You
deserve chivalrous men in your life, men who will respect you
and authentically care for you. Do not give up on that. Do not
settle for less.
And to the male readers: Saint Josemaria Escriva once
said, “There is a need for a crusade of manliness and purity to
counteract and nullify the savage work of those who think man is a
beast. And that crusade is your work.”
Live a life that demonstrates chivalry. Make your stand.'
Lots of different images come to my mind when I
think of the word “home”—first, the house where
I live with my parents in the northern suburbs of
Brisbane: the sloped driveway, incessant plover birds, our
dog Chief barking at five in the morning and the smell of
freshly cut grass in the summer. I then think of our old
house in western Australia. That still feels like home in an
odd way. I can still close my eyes and mentally walk the
streets of the entire suburb of Waikiki, where I grew up
five minutes from the beach.
I also think of my new wife, Katelyn, and our long-
realized dream of having our own physical space all to
ourselves, together at last! That surely feels like home, a
new and exciting home as husband and wife.
Finally, I think of my church. I think of my local parish on
a Sunday morning, alive with the familiar face of community,
coffee cups tinkling, Father’s old jokes that only half make
sense, the smell of snags on the BBQ, a simple gathering
raising some money for the youth group or an upcoming
mission trip or the local Vinnies conference.
I think of my office in that same parish, where I
work—the ladies from the front desk always offering
me a cup of tea or coffee even though I have never
said yes; children with big eyes tapping on the window
asking for lollipops.
For me, the notion of home calls up all these images
and places. What feels like home to you? Maybe it is a
certain place, a familiar smell or just a feeling you get.
If you had told me just a few years ago that I would
find a home in the Catholic Church, I may have laughed
at you! Me, finding a home in organized religion?
You Will Know They Are Christian By Their Love
How did this happen? Great question! The easiest and
most honest answer is people.
In my younger, rebellious days (I am still rebellious,
I promise) the people around me heavily influenced
the choices I made. In some cases, this led me down
some dark paths, and the wounds of those choices are
still healing today. My biggest fear was that I would not
have a home, not have people, a place or something
identifiable to which to truly belong.
When I moved across the country from Perth to
Brisbane that need intensified. This new place was
definitely not home. The same pattern emerged—the
people around me heavily influenced the choices I made
because I wanted to feel at home, no matter the choices
I made, unhealthy or not.
The deep desire underneath the unhealthy choices
was not bad—all of us want a place to belong. Even if
you are the type of person who cannot live in one place
for more than five minutes, there surely is a place where
your heart and soul come to rest, like a piano resolving
the chord. My heart was stuck on a discord, trying
desperately to resolve, to find peace and rest.
It was there I encountered people of faith. People
who were confident in themselves but accepted me
where I was in life. People who never shied away from
drawing out the best in me, through their example, their
encouragement and their honesty.
The Church is, after all, made up of people. As I
became more involved in the young community of
awesome faith leaders mixed in with people my own age
who were experiencing life in similar ways to me, I slowly
began to feel that odd, familiar feeling that happens
when you just know this is where your heart belongs. I
started to feel like I had a home in the Catholic Church.
Home Is Where God’s Heart Is
Ultimately, it was through the people I encountered, the
very church itself, that I developed a personal relationship
with God. This is God’s heart, to be in relationship with us.
If the Church is the people, then God’s home is with His
Church, in the hearts of His people.
In the home, I found in the Church, I am fed and
nourished by the Eucharist. Jesus is waiting for me all the
time in that special room of God’s house. In this home,
my faults and failings do not define me, and they are
not swept under the rug either. At any time, I can go to
a priest and directly, humanly experience divine mercy
and forgiveness. In this home, I am surrounded by a
community of friends and family who support, encourage
and challenge me, who ultimately want the best for me,
and who are on their own faith journey alongside me. We
grow in this home together, in God’s heart as a family.
Oftentimes, I get angry at this new home of mine,
at how it is run in certain areas. I might fight or argue
with brothers and sisters living under the same roof. Or
(and this is both a metaphor and a habit) I might leave
the house entirely and come back quietly at some early
hour of the morning. Whatever the case may be, I know
that my heart still rests with God and that my home will
always be with His people, the Church.
My encouragement for anybody new to the faith,
unsure about the Church or even considering what having
a relationship with God looks like is to get to know the
people. Millions of people living and billions of people
past have found a home in the Church. God finds His
home in our hearts. Find your home in His heart—He
resides in the hearts of His people, who are the Church.
Consider the lilies, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they
spin, yet I say unto you, Even Solomon in all his glory was
not arrayed like one of these (Luke 12:27).
Simplicity. Peacefulness. Orderliness. Serenity. We were created
by God in His own image to live in harmony with each other
and nature. The inherent nature of God is one of simplicity and
orderliness. The different seasons of each new year consistently
pass by in a simple, orderly fashion. Crops grow, new life begins in
the animal kingdom, all within a sequenced order and precision,
usually without the assistance of man. The flowers bloom in early
spring and throughout summer, then go into peaceful slumber in
the fall and winter. There is order and simplicity in the very essence
of nature and so also is the heart of man called to the virtue of
We live in a fast-paced world where simplicity and orderliness
have all but gone by the wayside. From the moment we awaken
to the moment we go to sleep late at night, our days are filled
with constant, non-stop activity. From work, to school, to evening
activities, we are busy, with little time for what is truly important in
life. There is much social pressure to be involved in various outside
activities, from sports, dance, church activities and community
involvement. So few families are eating home-cooked meals
together anymore. Instead, dinner is either picked up in a haste
and eaten in the car, while driving from one activity to another, or
frozen meals with little nutritional value are hurriedly reheated at
home in between activities, with little interaction among the family
members. This is not to say that all extra-curricular activities are
wrong, only that they need to be done in moderation so that God,
family and relationships are placed first, above activity. Meal times
nourish both body and soul and give family members a chance
to reconnect after a busy day. Simplifying our lives allows for this
and strengthens the family; non-stop activity interferes with family
members having the time to truly connect with each other.
Everywhere we go in modern-day society we are bombarded
with advertisements to purchase yet another item that will
supposedly make our lives easier and simpler; instead, they
contribute to the ever-growing amount of clutter in our lives. Clutter
distracts us from what is truly important. It calls out for constant
attention, needing to be either used, cleaned or organized in
already too-full spaces. It fills our non-existent spare moments
with activities that distracts us from God and others. Its constant
demands for our attention leave us with little time or energy for
anything else, yet we continue unnecessarily adding to it and the
cycle continues, draining us of our peacefulness and serenity.
The busy, materialistic society in which we live leads us to
having very little time for what is truly important—board games
that could be used for family time sit on shelves unused while
we tend to outside activities and other material items we have,
especially computers, video games and hand-held electronic
devices. How many families take time to spend time together
outside of extracurricular activities or the internet anymore? How
often do we take the time to go sledding, play baseball in the yard
or catch butterflies with our children? How many of us know who
are neighbors are? We are more connected through social media
and less connected with each other. Through the virtue of simplicity,
letting go of unnecessary possessions and limiting the time spent
on electronic devices and outside activities, we are given the
freedom to make time for what is truly important in our lives and
further deepen our relationship with God and each other.
Simplicity. The virtue of letting go of what is not important and of
opening our hearts to God’s presence in our lives. Simplicity leads
to orderliness, peacefulness and the significant reduction of stress
created by non-stop activity and clutter. Simplicity unites and brings
us back into harmony with God, each other and His creation. By
focusing on what is truly important and letting go of what is not, we
then have time for each other and to contemplate on God’s unfailing
love and mercy for us.
The other day my two oldest children got to go to a
professional basketball game and I was left with the tricky
choice of sending my 5 year old or keeping him home. He
so badly wanted to go, and I wanted him to have that memory,
but we were also on vacation and he would be getting to bed so
late. I did not want to risk him being drained the next few days.
After days agonizing over it, going back and forth about whether he
would always remember the time he did not get to go, in the end
I decided he should not go. I kept him with me and in an attempt
to make his night memorable I told him we were going to get ice
We were staying with my aunt and she lived down the street
from a Dairy Queen. I imagined this being an amazing drive-thru
adventure. As we were about to leave, I mentioned Dairy Queen to
her and she informed me that they had closed. The look of horror
on my face sent her into hysterical laughter. My plan was failing!
The options were the cheap drive-thru or the expensive ice cream
shop. Needing to save face I decided on the expensive one. As we
drove by the cheap one, he saw it, and begged for us to go there.
There is nothing special about that one; in fact, I never really like
their sundaes—but to him, it is a treat. I asked him if he wanted the
expensive one but he reaffirmed his desire for the cheap one.
Realizing this was about him and his memories, I settled for the
cheap drive-thru. Later, as I thought about the event, I compared it
to the choices and plans God has for us. He always wants to give
us the absolute best! He wants us to feast on the what will fill us at
a deeper level, yet we are quick to jump at the scraps and settle for
the drive-thru. If my son had let me pick the ice cream for him, he
would have gotten a two-scoop sundae made from fancy ice cream
flavors complete with whipped cream, nuts and a cherry. Instead,
he got some flavorless vanilla soft-serve with M&Ms. Maybe he is
teaching me a lesson on humility but I think it is bigger than that.
He went with what was familiar. He did not take the risk of the
place he was unsure. He settled with the safe choice. What if I am
settling with the safe choice? What if I am not taking those risks in
life that God is offering me? How can I know if I am settling or if I
should demand more?
My plan to “distract” him ultimately did not work because he
woke up the next morning asking why he did not get to go to the
game! Ugh, the life of a parent! It got me thinking: I really want to
show my children how to discern their choices, weigh their options
and, most importantly, learn to listen to that nudging parental push
from God, encouraging us to choose the best!
What steps do you take in your discernment process to ensure
you are making the best choice?
It was several years ago, during a time when I was
really struggling with my singleness. I was pouring my
heart out to my spiritual director about how I hated the
prospect of never marrying, how I was sick of only finding
the “wrong” guys and even more sick of showing up at
events alone, how every vision I had ever envisioned for
my future revolved around children and how a life without
marriage felt to me like a life without love.
He listened sympathetically and then we began to
pray about it. I do not remember exactly how the praying
went. I do remember that, at the end, we both had a very
clear sense that God had spoken. His response was this:
“Simple love is sufficient.”
Simple love? What the heck is that? I want love love.
You know, romance and fireworks and forsaking all others
and the whole package.
“Simple love is sufficient.”
Even though I want complicated, exciting, romantic
love, I am called to simple love.
I was left with no choice but to confront the
concept of “simple love.” I had spent my entire adult
life traveling the world speaking to audiences about
love. I knew what it was. I knew there were different
types of love—agape love, family love, friendship love,
romantic love. Of all of them, romantic love—the love of
a husband and a wife—was certainly the least simple.
It involves the blending of two lives and the meshing
of two egos. It is day-in-and-day-out working it out,
building a life together. It can be incredibly rewarding
(or so I have heard), but it is not simple.
I did not have romantic love in my life, but I did—and
do—have simple love. I have single and divorced friends
who share my dateless Saturday nights and my lonely
single moments. I have married friends who include me
in their family dinners and their kids’ birthday parties. I
have brothers who have my back and a sister who has
made me an extended part of her family. I have nieces
and nephews who call me “Bopper” (or “Mom … I mean
Bop”), whom I love like they are my own. I have a
91 year-old dad who still walks over to my house to put
my cans away on trash day and an 82 year-old mother
who still makes dinner for me when she is afraid I am not
eating well enough. My life may be lacking in romantic
love, but it is certainly not lacking in love.
How does a single person cultivate love in their life? It
is not automatic.
Like married love, simple love needs to be constantly
cultivated. I need to love. I cannot take friends or
extended family for granted any more than I could take
a spouse for granted. First, I need to force myself out
the cozy cocoon of my house to meet people who may
later come to join my circle of simple love. Once they are
there, I need to love them, to think about how I can be
God’s love in their lives. I am not saying I am great at any
of that but I have realized I need to try.
I know what you are saying: “But it’s not the same!” Of
course it is not the same. Having a lot of people in your
life who care about you is not the same as having one
person who has given himself to you. Loving somebody
else’s kids is not the same as loving your own kids. I get
that. I feel that. I live that.
God did not tell me it was the same. He did not tell
me it was ideal. He told me it was sufficient. He told me
it was enough—that, if I would stop grasping for the one
kind of love I did not have and instead look around at all
of the love I did have, I would find that there is great joy
and happiness to be found in that simple love.
What do you do when you feel the sharp distance
between romantic love and simple love? Offer it to God.
Of course I still have difficult moments, lonely
moments and moments when I clearly see that this
arrangement may be sufficient, but it is hardly ideal.
But that—the gap between sufficient and ideal—is
something I can offer to Him. It is in those moments,
turning to Him in prayer, when I most clearly see that
nothing in this life is ideal and that His is the only love
that will ever fully satisfy.
I am not closed to the possibility that I may someday
marry. Who knows what God has in store? But I do know
that He gave me a great gift that day. When He shot down
my silly notion that an unmarried life must be a loveless
life. He opened my eyes to the love already surrounding
me. He assured me that, when it comes to love, He will
provide me—and you—with our daily bread.
He showed me that, for now, simple love is
I am five years old. I am sitting in my bedroom, pondering as I tend to do at this age. “God, I just want You to know that I am here when You need me,” I silently pray as I gingerly caress a favorite image of Our Lady. “I want to do great things for You one day.” This was not an uncommon prayer for me as a little girl, though I later discovered that it was unusual for most kids to be thinking in such a way at such a young age. For me, it was a fire that had been planted in my heart at Baptism. That fire awakened when I began Catholic grade school, and it only emblazoned all the more fiercely as I grew older, received the sacraments of First Holy Communion, First Confession and confirmation.
The Holy Spirit set His seal upon my heart. It was time for me to discover my purpose on earth. We are all anointed, brothers and sisters. Our Baptism seals us as God’s beloved ones. As such anointed people, we are all called to greatness, to do great things for God as I once prayed as a youngster. Your calling differs from mine, but they are all from the same great source: the Holy Spirit.
How do we live as God’s anointed ones when life is so hectic and seems to get in the way of all we long for and dream of? I am not sure I have an exact answer, but I do know that it involves the risk of vulnerability. When you and I are vulnerable—that is, open to authentic and wholehearted living—we become clay in God’s hands. First, we must become broken, and that brokenness is what we feel on a daily basis: lost, alone, afraid, overwhelmed, exhausted, confused. Maybe we just feel nothing, a sort of numbness that has led us to a place of complacency or apathy as we maintain the daily drudgery of life.
God wants more from you and me, my friends. He is calling us every day to continually hand Him our brokenness, our weakness, our littleness. How can we truly serve Him when we are still serving ourselves? Living our anointing means that we become totally His—Totus Tuus, as was Saint John Paul II’s personal motto—and belonging to another means we no longer live for ourselves. That is why we feel broken and alone in such a cold and calloused world.
To move beyond where you are, you must allow that brokenness to reach a place of His wholeness. Recall how He allowed Himself to suffer and die an unthinkable death so you and I might live eternally. His brokenness became our wholeness. That is why being broken ourselves and living in total dependence on God each day is a necessary first step in living our anointing, or our calling on earth. I have come to understand that living our anointing extends beyond what we expect. It is more than going to work every day. It is more than doing the laundry. It is more than taking the kids to soccer practice or piano lessons. It is beyond the mundane. Even if your life ends up being one that is hidden, like Saint Thérèse of Lisieux’s was, when you live your anointing, you are moving beyond the ordinary into the eternal. Doing the laundry becomes an opportunity to pray the rosary. Taking the kids to soccer practice becomes a way to discuss with them how life is going and what kinds of issues they are encountering in the real world. Going to the office is a place where countless opportunities arise to evangelize others.
Live your anointing. It will not be easy, friends. It will challenge you. It will change you. But you, in turn, will encourage others. You will, one by one, change the world through the influence of your life: through every conversation, every smile, every act of kindness. Do not underestimate the simple ways you are called to be Jesus today and to encounter Jesus in others.
Be open. That is the first step. When your heart is open, you are ready to become malleable clay in His hands. Even should He choose to shatter you when you are a finished clay pot, you will not be dismayed but, rather, overjoyed. For a life lived in and for Christ is a life fulfilled. There will be no greater way you can give back to Him than by giving Him everything, starting today.'
There is no greater force against evil in the world, says Cardinal Raymond Burke, “than the love of a man and woman in marriage.”
Keep in mind that marriage, as a sacrament instituted by Christ, is a reflection of the exchange of love between the three persons of the Blessed Trinity. Because of this, marriage is under attack, perhaps in a way that it has never been before. We should pray for married couples, that they may receive abundant graces to live out their vocations in fullness. As married couples, we should turn to prayer each day to seek renewed strength and love from God. We should also celebrate Catholic weddings as a reverent and joyous occasion. Do you know who the patron saint of marriage is? Actually, that is a bit of a trick question, because there are more than one. Some are patrons of specific situations within marriage, which might make one of them in particular a very fitting intercessor for your needs.
Saint Adelaide of Burgundy: Patron Saint of Second Marriages
Saint Adelaide, born around 931 AD, was daughter to the king of Burgundy and “one of the most influential women of 10th-century Europe.” Her first husband, Lothair, is believed to have been killed by enemies of his throne. Later, it seems that Otto, the emperor of Germany, fell in love with Adelaide and married her. Together they had five children. She was widowed twice, since Otto died long before she did. During the course of her life she was imprisoned, forced from her throne, held in solitary confinement and treated with contempt by certain family members. Throughout all of this, she remained humble and gentle, giving her life to the Church and her people. She founded many monasteries and churches and was overwhelmingly generous to the poor, even to the point of putting the kingdom’s treasury at risk. She died on December 16, 999.
Saint Gengulphus of Burgundy: Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages
Saint Gengulphus is a little-known saint who has been called a great miracle worker. He was a knight who served King Pepin the Short in the eighth century. One story told about the saint is how his sanctity was revealed to the king when a lamp continued to miraculously rekindle beside him as he slept. Though he was renowned for his great charity and piety, his own wife was unfaithful to him and he was murdered at the hands of her lover. There are not many details known about his life, but a certain Gonzo of Florence wrote that, “This blessed Gengulphus daily performs among us so many remarkable miracles that, were he alive today, even the swift pen of the poet Thespis could not have described them individually.” His feast day on the Roman calendar is May 11.
Saint Joseph: Patron Saint of Married People
It will come as no surprise to us that we can turn to Saint Joseph as a patron of married couples. There is not a better earthly exemplar of Saint Paul’s teaching: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her …” (Ephesians 5:25). Archbishop Fulton Sheen wrote a beautiful book called, “The World’s First Love.” In it there is a chapter called “The World’s Happiest Marriage,” in which he speaks of Joseph and Mary. “No husband and wife ever loved one another so much as Joseph and Mary …” writes Sheen. “But in the case of Mary and Joseph, there was no need of the symbol of the unity of the flesh, since they already possessed the Divinity.” Theirs was a virginal marriage, but a true, happy marriage. Who does not want a happy, holy marriage? Turn to Saint Joseph as intercessor. He is said to be the most powerful saint in heaven after Our Lady. March 19 is the feast of Saint Joseph, husband of Mary.
Saint Monica: Patron Saint of Married Women
Saint Monica was born in the fouth century to a wealthy Christian family. They may not have been particularly devout, however, for when she came of age, they married her to a pagan Roman official, Patricius. He was infamous for his “violent temper” and “dissolute habits.” Though irritated by Monica’s faith and by her devotional practices, he did respect her. Saint Monica suffered greatly on behalf of the godless lifestyles of her husband as well as her son (who we now know as Saint Augustine) but she wept, prayed and fasted on their behalf, begging God for their conversion. Her prayers would be answered. Her husband was baptized a year before his death, and although it was much longer before Augustine converted, he would become one of the greatest saints in the Church. Almost everything that we know about Saint Monica we have learned from his classic book, “The Confessions of Saint Augustine.” Her feast day is May 4.
Saint Priscilla: Patron Saint of Good Marriages
Saint Priscilla and her husband Saint Aquila were Jewish converts to Christianity. It appears that their conversion was brought about when they met Saint Paul. We know about them from the Sacred Scriptures (read the Acts of the Apostles, Chapter 18 for starters) and here is something beautiful: their names are always mentioned together, never separately. This reveals the unity lived out in their marriage. They were tentmakers by trade (as was Saint Paul) and were some of the earliest Christian missionaries. They were martyrs for the Faith, and their feast day is celebrated on July 8.
Saint Rita of Cascia: Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages
Saint Rita was born in Italy to devout parents in 1381. When she grew up, Rita desired to become a nun, but her parents arranged for her to marry a man named Paolo Mancini, with whom she would have two sons. It seems that Paolo was a complicated man (and there are varying accounts of his character) but we do know that Rita suffered during her marriage. Paolo was impetuous and had a fierce temper and seems to have been irresponsible with gaming and debts. Violent conflicts between noble Italian families were common at this time and Paolo was involved in these feuds. He was rough with Rita and may even have been physically abusive. In spite of all this, she exercised the virtues of patience and humility toward him and was a truly loving and faithful wife and homemaker. Over time, her love, example and prayers bore fruit and Paolo’s heart began to undergo conversion. (One biographer writes that he would become ashamed of his temper when it got the best of him and rush out of the house, returning only when he had calmed down.) Paolo did have enemies, who eventually ambushed and killed him. His sons wanted to avenge his death, but Rita tried to dissuade them; finally, she begged God to take the lives of her sons rather than allow them to commit a mortal sin which would endanger their salvation. Both sons did pass away from an illness and were prevented from acting in violence. Rita subsequently entered an Augustinian order of nuns. She died in 1457. Her feast day is May 22.
Saint Thomas More: Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages
Saint Thomas More was born in England in 1478. He is a well-known and beloved saint who was a husband, father, statesman and renowned lawyer. Sir Thomas was a just man who was brilliant and blessed with innumerable talents. He married a gentlewoman by the name of Jane Colt. They had a four children and theirs was a happy marriage; but sadly, she died very young. Thomas More married again. His second wife was Alice Middleton. Though she was of a different temperament than Jane, who was so quiet and meek, we are told that this second marriage was also a very happy one. Thomas More was a devoted husband and loving father. Why is he a patron saint of difficult marriages, if both his marriages were happy ones? The reason is due to his opposing King Henry VIII’s divorce, which would eventually lead him down the path of martyrdom. After his trial, he was officially condemned to death for his refusal to acknowledge the king as the head of the Church in England. Saint Thomas More’s feast day is June 22.
Saint Valentine: Patron Saint of Happy Marriages
There is very little known about Saint Valentine, who lived in the third century under the reign of Claudius Gothicus. It is understood that he was a priest (possibly even a bishop) who was martyred; his remains were buried along the Via Flaminia in Rome. Recent archaeological finds have proven that he lived: the remains of catacombs and a church dedicated to him have been unearthed. There are two legends as to why he was martyred, which might be due to the fact that there may have been more than one “Valentine” and their stories were mixed. One legend says that he was executed for giving aid to Christians. Another legend says that the emperor Claudius had banned marriage in order to obtain more soldiers for his army, since married men with wives and children would be less willing to die in battle. Thus it is said that Saint Valentine married couples in secret and was eventually found out. Various churches today have relics from him, including his skull. He was canonized in 496, but his feast was removed from the general Roman calendar in 1969 due to the resulting confusion over the years of possibly three or four Valentines being treated as one person. However, in various localities the Church still celebrates his feast day, which is, of course, February 14.
Saints Louis and Zelie Martin
Saints Louis and Zelie Martin are the first married couple to be canonized together. They lived humble, ordinary lives, in which both suffering and joy played important parts. Together they bore nine children, but only five survived childhood. Each of these five daughters would eventually enter the religious life. One of them is well known to us: Saint Therese of Lisieux, called “The Little Flower.” It is usually the case that we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by the lives of “great saints”; we feel that they are super humans whom God has called in a special way and that He does not mean for us to attain such a level of sanctity. This is not the case. Simply by cooperating with God’s grace in our particular state in life we can be deeply purified and closely aligned to Our Lord and His loving will. Louis and Zelie are perfect examples for us. They faithfully fulfilled their roles as spouses and parents and through their quiet lives of love, service and self-sacrifice, God brought them home to Himself. In his homily for their canonization Pope Francis said, “The holy spouses Louis Martin and Marie-Azélie Guérin practiced Christian service in the family, creating day by day an environment of faith and love which nurtured the vocations of their daughters …” Although it has not been officially stated that they are patron saints of married couples, they are beautiful examples of the vocation of marriage expressed in all its fullness, and we can certainly imitate their virtues and seek their intercession. Their feast day is July 12.
… And Other Wonderful Saints
If you are reading this, and you are a single man or woman hoping to meet your future spouse, remember that there are patron saints for you, as well! Saint Ann, the mother of the Virgin Mary, has long been a faithful intercessor for young women who pray for a husband. Saint Nicholas, Bishop of Myra (who is usually forgotten outside of the Christmas season) is the patron of young people seeking a husband or wife. This is because of an incident in his own life in which he provided a dowry for three poverty-stricken sisters so that they could marry.'
In the night when you walk down the little sidewalk in the village of Chontal, you can look to your side and see a large cliff on the other side of the river that goes along the side of the village. At night, it is pitch dark. Just all black. Some time ago, I was sitting near the sidewalk with one of the neighbors and noticed one bright light shining from the other side, in the middle of the cliff. Someone has a farm there, my friend told me, and they just got electricity. They are pretty happy about it. As that single bright light in the midst of the dark stands out, it is impossible not to notice it.
Now, let us say you were an artist, a painter. And let us say that you wanted to paint that image. You would need a lot of black paint. You would actually need to first cover the entire canvas with black paint. After that, all you would need is a tiny bit of white-yellow mix to put in one single spot of light. Then viola! A light in the darkness that you cannot miss. When you put a light in the darkness, it makes it stand out all the more. You need a whole lot of the black paint to make the effect.
I say all that because Jesus is going to say—and show—that He fulfills not just the law, but also the prophets. You know the prophets. Doom and gloom. End of the world. Sin and punishment. War, famine, pestilence and the wild beasts. The prophets are writing about a lot of bad news and sins and problems with the Israelites. Then, all of a sudden there is this unexpected burst of good news, this hope and light. Go ahead and read them, it is the same thing again and again—a lot about the bad stuff the Israelites have done and the bad stuff on the way for them, and then a promise of miraculous and permanent salvation from it all. You know what the authors are doing? That is right, they are putting a lot of black paint on the canvas and one bright light. It is meant to bring all your attention to the bright light, because when you put a bright light in the darkness, it stands out all the more. The key to reading and understanding the prophets is to look for the light! Find that light in the darkness and follow it, because there is where you are going to find the son of God. That is where you are going to get the lift in your life—from the Bible.
The magi from the east saw the star in the sky and they knew it was the one to follow. How did they know? Because they were experts on the prophets. They were great at finding the light in the darkness and following it and finding God’s grace. When the star came, they were ready.
It is natural to want to get rid of the darkness in life. It is another thing to accept it and look for the light within it. If you practice looking for the light in the dark situations you face, you will get to find the hidden son of God. You will get a lift and freedom of life from God.
Remember, when darkness comes it means that God is all the more findable.
Look for the light.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it” (John 1:5).'
The leaves crunched underfoot as I walked down the narrow, bumpy path. I stopped briefly to inhale the crisp, fresh fall air. I viewed the splendid trees that were anxiously waiting to greet me on this path I chose to travel this day. The leaves on the ground were like a fall coat of many colors—several different shades of red, pale yellow and brown, some bright yellow and, a few, a blend of copper with a splash of deep purple.
I also noticed some persistent, perhaps even stubborn, green leaves that were still desperately clinging to the tree they had grown accustomed to throughout the spring and summer. These leaves intrigued me with their stubborn pride, refusing to let go and to allow the change to happen within them. These determined green leaves reminded me of my struggle to let go of my need to control situations and people.
“If I had my way,” I thought to myself, “I would scotch tape these green leaves to the tree, so they would never have to go through this painful process of letting go and letting God change them.”
As I continued my walk, I began to realize that it was indeed time for me to let go. It was time for me to surrender to the fact that I cannot change another person no matter how much I love that person. I tried, just like the stubborn leaves, to feverishly cling to my way of manipulating a change. It left me blaming, judging and condemning. I thought to myself: Perhaps by allowing God’s grace into the situation, I can learn to trust that God will take care of my loved ones just as He so gently takes care of the leaves that effortlessly fall to the ground.
The tree knows it will be left barren and stripped for a season of waiting. Yet, the tree also trusts in the Creator that after a season of patient waiting, life will once again bud forth, filling the branches with the glorious new birth of magnificent and vibrant green leaves.
As the gentle breeze beckoned the leaves to let go and float gently into the Creator’s hands, I also mentally released my hold on my loved ones. I gently placed my loved ones and myself in the palm of His hands, trusting in God’s glory to shine forth through the darkness.
I ended my walk with renewed hope, knowing I have entered into a season of patient waiting, placing my trust in my Creator to make all things beautiful in His time. “He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake” (Psalm 23:2-3).'
I can relate a lot to Elijah. In 1 Kings 19: 1-13 (passage below) Elijah is at his wits’ end. He has done all that he has been asked to do and feels he has failed. In verse 4 he begs for death!
Now I might not be that dramatic or have all that going on, but I can relate to what happens next. God calls him on a long journey out to a mountain in the desert to talk to Him. For 16 days I walked across Spain on an ancient pilgrimage across the country to the tomb of Saint James the Apostle. This is a road that has been walked by Christians for hundreds of years.
Why? Well, I thought I knew.
I was so excited about the fun of the journey and opportunity for self discovery; how I was going to be on my own and do it all on my own. That did not last. Day 3 my knee gave out, I had blisters, I was afraid of a stress fracture, and I wanted to go home. Then, with the help of parents and friends I had met along the way (not to mention your prayers!) Jesus asked me the same question he asked Elijah in verse 9: “Why are you here?” I thought I knew. I rattled off reason after reason and kept trying to do it on my own. Day after day I could not. Day 4 I let a kind woman buy me a knee brace in Pamplona. I let people give me the lower bunk. Day 6 I got medicine and icy hot from kind fellow pilgrims—I could not have finished the day without either. People gave me places to stay, food, clothes, more than I could ever have imagined.
Finally I broke. I gave into His love and accepted the help I was offered, accepted his love. I opened every day in prayer. Each day now I pray the rosary from first joyful to fifth glorious for you!
I learned what Elijah did: God is in the soft, silent sound. During the past week of silence, God did so much in my heart that I am finally quiet enough to let Him lead. He got me over every hill I do not think I could climb. He helped me through the days when it was wet and cold and I still had five more miles to walk. He led me to the depths of my soul to heal my wounded heart.
In the silent sound God asked Elijah once again, “Why are you here?” I know my answer now, but that was between Him and me. My friends, you may not be called to walk across a country but we are all called to be still enough to listen and realize that He wants to lead us to places we never thought we could go, do things greater than we could ever imagine, be healed from wounds we never thought could close and give us peace. He asked us, “Why are you here?” Instead of trying to do it on your own, Let Him provide the answer. If I had thought of these 500 miles at the beginning of this journey, I would have given up. Instead, I let Him lead every step and now I was halfway there. Let Him lead. Listen to the still, small voice. I am praying for you, every day—be still. –1 Kings 19: 1–13
Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done—that he had murdered all the prophets by the sword. Jezebel then sent a messenger to Elijah and said, “May the gods do thus to me and more, if by this time tomorrow I have not done with your life what was done to each of them. Elijah was afraid and fled for his life, going to Beer-sheba of Judah. He left his servant there and went a day’s journey into the wilderness, until he came to a solitary broom tree and sat beneath it. He prayed for death: “Enough, LORD! Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors. He lay down and fell asleep under the solitary broom tree, but suddenly a messenger touched him and said, “Get up and eat!” He looked and there at his head was a hearth cake and a jug of water. After he ate and drank, he lay down again, but the angel of the Lord came back a second time, touched him and said, “Get up and eat or the journey will be too much for you!” He got up, ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he walked 40 days and 40 nights to the mountain of God, Horeb.
There he came to a cave, where he took shelter. But the word of the Lord came to him: Why are you here, Elijah? He answered: “I have been most zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts, but the Israelites have forsaken your covenant. They have destroyed your altars and murdered your prophets by the sword. I alone remain, and they seek to take my life.” Then the Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord; the Lord will pass by.” There was a strong and violent wind rending the mountains and crushing rocks before the Lord—but the Lord was not in the wind; after the wind, an earthquake—but the LORD was not in the earthquake; after the earthquake, fire—but the Lord was not in the fire; after the fire, a light silent sound.
When he heard this, Elijah hid his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. A voice said to him, “Why are you here, Elijah?”'
I once heard a Christian speaker talking about the need to avoid certain movies and TV shows. Is it really a big deal what kind of entertainment I watch, listen to or read? Is it not better to know what is going on in the world than to be closed off? This is an extremely important question.
Not only is it pressing (we decide on our entertainment on a daily basis), but it is also deeply personal. All of us must choose how we will entertain ourselves. Let us clarify the importance of the situation. While we could look at this from a cultural perspective, let us skip that and bring things a little closer to home.
There is a psychological principle that has been termed “the law of exposure.” This states that the things we expose ourselves to have an effect on us. Music affects our moods. I have a friend who listens to “death metal.” He knows that it makes him angry and frustrated, but he listens to it anyway. Language affects our own language. I have another friend who finds himself, swearing left and right after a “weekend with the guys.” Images affect how we see other people. I talk to many men and women who find themselves in sexual sin after viewing certain photos or videos.
To deny “the law of exposure” is to deny reality. Some people like to claim immunity, but this is simply a lack of self-knowledge. It is not limited to people of a certain age. I do not know how much sillier we could be than when we turn off the TV for a child saying, “You should not be watching this,” but then return to it ourselves. Does the fact that I am in my 30s mean that I am unaffected by these images and ideas? Certainly, I am better equipped to discern the truth, but if a movie is bad for a child, how can I be so confident that it is good for me? If it is garbage for a 12-year-old, then it is garbage for me, even if I have learned how to sort through the garbage a little better.
Just as important, we live in a free market society. We vote with our dollars. On what do you spend money and time? For example, I know a number of Catholics who went to see “The Da Vinci Code” or “The Golden Compass” even though these movies are clearly anti-Catholic. It does no good to claim, “I don’t agree with them!” The people making this entertainment do not care if you agree or not. Your interior motivation matters, but it is not absolute. Once they have your money, you have already stated that you are on their side. If the movie is evil (or promotes evil ideas), then you just gave $9.75 to the cause of evil. (How much did you put in the collection plate? In the end, all of those numbers will be made known and there will be no room for excuses like, “It was only a movie!”)
Entertainment is never “only entertainment.” Every form of media presents some philosophy of life, a belief about the world, the human person and God. These ideas mean something, because ideas have consequences. Every great (and every terrible) movement started with an idea. Have you ever noticed that every dictatorship first seeks to control the media? Because when you control the media, you control ideas, and once you control ideas you can lead people wherever you want.
Rather than attempt to list movies, TV shows or songs, it is more important for our purposes to have some principles that we can apply. When encountering some form of entertainment ask yourself, “Does this reveal the dignity of the human person or in some way distort or obscure it?” Another way to phrase the question is, “Does this entertainment reveal truth and beauty?”
Some art does this in ways we would not expect. Flannery O’Conner is arguably the finest American fiction writer of the last century. She wrote about sin and grace in a powerful and truthful way, but it was not pretty. I always thought her stories were grotesque, but they were true. She revealed beauty through writing about ugly things. It is the difference between the violence and gore in “Saving Private Ryan” and that found in the “Saw” movies. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI once wrote, “We may never be entertained by the suffering of others.”
What does this mean when it comes to “Ultimate Fighting Challenge?” Will I have to change my TV watching? The next thing we need is conviction. If something is bad for me, then why would I expose myself to it? If I am going to be a follower of Christ, I need to be the kind of person who makes a decision. Are you the kind of person who can make a decision? Are you willing?
If you are convicted that “this entertainment does not uphold human dignity” are you willing to then not watch it? Seriously, we need to say, “no matter how funny this new ‘The Hangover’-style comedy is, it is not good for me and so I won’t watch it.” In the end, all of this entertainment will pass away. What will remain, for good or for ill, is the kind of person into which it has fashioned me.'